Stealing squared

I'm "stealing" this from my sister's blog, who stole it from her friend's blog. Why? Because it's freaking hilarious. Also, Mikaela, this is for you :)

• - "Long list of things you are no good at: your marriage, leading glee club and finding a hairstylist that doesn't make you look like a lesbian."
• - "All I want is just one day a year when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties."
• - "While they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them."
• - "You are about to board the Sue Sylvester express....... destination HORROR."
• - "You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard."
• - "[Ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs."
• - "I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling."
• - "I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one."
• - "It feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester."
• - "I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me."
• - "I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.'"
• - "Not everyone is gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance. But I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage."
• - "I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office."
• - "You think this is hard? Try waterboarding. That's hard!"
• - "I'm going to go to the animal shelter, get you a cat, and wait until you've fallen in love with that cat... then I'm going to break into your house in the middle of the night, and punch you in the face."